my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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