Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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