I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
