I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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