Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
