Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
