If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
