I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
