Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
