Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
