Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
