I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
