your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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