I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
