how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
