So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
