When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize