why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
