The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
