She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
