I'm jealous of your bromance
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
