I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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