You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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