I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
