If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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