god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
