I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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