he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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