apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
