just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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