my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
