Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
