It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
