He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
