if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Randomize
