the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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