my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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