just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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