i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
