Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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