The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I need to calm my uterus...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
