So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
