Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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