My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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