Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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