Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
