Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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