smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
