I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
