im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
