I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
