If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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