corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
