If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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