shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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