i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize