Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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